Start in the tiny house on a hot summer day in southern California. Watch Grandma bake cookies and give Papa a loving look, seeing their marriage at its peak. Visit that little petting zoo, touch the angry goat’s horns. Hug those chickens...don’t kill them, silly girl. Play with Uncle Mark in Grandma’s growing colourful backyard.
Little brother.
Annoying baby. Sam cries all the time, but he is loved. Mom takes a lot of pictures of us.
Move.
Far
Away
From the pretty green backyard and the old plaid couch in the living room.
Arizona.
We each get our own room. Big house. Extra rooms leftover. Mom gets her dream kitchen, the living room has a big, pretty window that looks out on our gigantic backyard. The basement is huge. It’s a big playroom, and there’s a hallway that leads to more bedrooms and bathrooms and an office. Stay out of the office.
First day of Kindergarten. Ms. Janowski...coolest kindergarten teacher in the school. Kids called me fat. Ignored, because mommy told me that every little kid has fat. It’s part of growing up. First day of 1st grade, Ms. Allegre. Emperor penguins can be up to 4.3 feet tall. A+. Second grade, met my best friend. Madison and I do everything together.
Third grade, Ms. Tilly. Meanie head. Always told me my dreams of being a singer were unrealistic. Madison said that wasn’t true. I was a lovely singer. Ms. Kelly told me that too. Music was my passion.
We wanted to start a club.
The digging club, a little fantasy to make people go on adventures. But 8 year olds can’t start clubs. I spend the night at Madison’s house all the time.
Crepes
Every morning.
Four puppies. They step on their ears a lot.
Mom’s pregnant again. He’s due for December. He’s born on the fourth, and he’s louder than Sammy. He acts like he owns everything. Half-sister Kelsey comes down to say hello again. She’s been here a couple times. I love her a lot. I love talking to her.
Fourth grade, Ms. Read. She told me I was super good at reading and writing. I started writing my little stories. I shared with the class.
End of the year, my daddy’s out of work.
“We’re moving.”
Too far. Madison said we would write each other every month until I came back.
I knew I wouldn’t be back, but I didn’t want to let go of Madison.
Bye, dream home.
Bye, Madison.
Colorado.
Little baby house.
No room.
Crowded.
Family of five is so much. I don’t like our house. I don’t wanna share with anyone.
“You don’t have to.”
Destiny.
Meghan.
I hang out with them every day. They’re my best friends.
Sister Kelsey is comes to visit.
Estes Park is our favourite town in Colorado. Penelope’s is our go-to food.
Kelsey goes home.
Kelsey’s coming to live with us.
She’s going to college at CU Boulder.
“She can sleep in my room!”
I get a bunk bed. Top bunk, obviously. I can’t wait for Kelsey to get here. I’ve missed her.
“Mom? Dad? Why are you crying?”
She’s not coming.
We sold so much. We bought the bed. And now the bunk choice doesn’t matter to me.
School’s my home.
School is where my friends are.
Right?
...What?
You...what?
Oh.
I...
I have no friends.
They’re all gone.
Why is everything getting worse?
Day by day
My mood goes down
My memories seem to vanish
The days fly by.
I looked up my symptoms.
I visit my now favourite church.
I have my first recognizable anxiety attack and it dawns on me how many problems I really have.
But I have a new family.
They love me and accept me even with all my mistakes.
Mom, Dad, and Kelsey might not be there for me.
But they are.
All of them. Even the ones I don’t talk to.
Dominik. Christian. Kayla. Hannah. Sophie. Ellery. Sandy. Konrad. Karter. Kaylee. Ryann. Hannah. Even Tyler.
I couldn’t be any more grateful.
But my story doesn’t end here. I had my valleys and I had my mountains. But like every good story, mine continues into another valley.
But that valley continues downwards.
For how long? I don’t know.
But the valley starts with one sentence.
“Your father is cheating on me.”
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